I am not an instinctive person.  In fact, when it comes to making big life decisions there is literally no one worse than me (refer back to the blog on Rolo Decision Tool!).  However, contra to logic in that regard, I am quite intuitive.  And often this intuition stems from my dreams.  The month leading up to the start of medical school I would awaken almost nightly, dramatically shooting out of bed, and yelling “snakes!”  I would ransack the room, searching for these slithery creatures and then fall back asleep.  The day medical school started I stopped having snake dreams.  Interestingly the symbol for medicine is the Staff of Asclepius– the serpent wound around the staff.  I have also seen it referenced as symbolism for fear of change.  I don’t think this was coincidental.  I didn’t have this dream again until four years later,  when I applied to residency.  I have begun to have some perplexing dreams regarding relationships lately that have provided me with very direct messages that have left little room for interpretation.  They’ve given me a lot to think about, and put my little heart on high alert- that’s for sure. Then again, I also dreamt that I dropped my (already maimed) iPhone and it broke in half and lost the camera.  Which has basically already happened.  So who could know, really.

This month has been wonderful in that it has provided me time to pursue some personal dreams. It is my elective and I have billed it as a flight and wilderness month.  In this time I have flown with AirMed in SLC and NW Medstar in Missoula.  It’s definitely at least persuaded me toward a fellowship in flight medicine, which I never thought I would say.  I have honed some ice climbing skills via the Bozeman Ice Festival, and done my Avalanche Rescue for Professionals course put on by AAI.  Now I’m in Bozeman, catching up with old friends, skiing, and basically just carrying on.  Life is super good right now and I’m overall very happy, although I do have the ever-present feeling that something is missing.  I thought that something was love, but I think it might actually just be purpose. Or maybe those two things are one and the same?

I met a person at a dinner party who mentioned that he has been feeling a bit lost since the end of a significant relationship in his life.  He said that without this woman that he had been doing life with that he was now lacking purpose.  I know many people would dispute the wisdom of finding purpose in a relationship with another person, however his words really resonated with me.  When I look at my life, I objectively have purpose.  I am on an EIGHT year journey toward becoming a physician.  Isn’t that a major mission?  Doesn’t learning to (at the risk of sounding cliche) save lives make my life worthwhile?  The answer is yes and no.  Medicine is this important thing that I’m doing, but it’s almost like this thing that I’m doing that exists outside of myself.  Like for 12 hours a day I leave myself behind and go do this important and sometimes gratifying job, then when I get home I become myself again and try to milk the other four or so waking hours for some nectar to feed my soul.  So while medicine gives me a task to accomplish, I would argue that it does not give my life purpose.  And then I think about my family and the answer is the same.  I love Love LOVE my family, especially my new sweet niece, however they all exist totally independent of me.  They love me back and enjoy my presence in their lives, but overall my contribution to their  well being is small in the scheme of things.  So I agree with my friend in his assessment that love gave him purpose.  I think that although I was pretty crappy at it, being Joe’s partner was sort of my purpose for a long while.  Like just waking up next to him in the morning justified my existence a little.  And probably that’s why our marriage was so bad, because it’s the thing that made my life and when it was unsatisfying or less than ideal it made my life feel unsatisfying and less than ideal.  So now, having been functionally divorced for a long time (although I just filled out the paperwork this morning– eeeee!) I have moved on in most measurable ways but continue to experience a perceived lack of purpose.  So to get back to my friend who went through a similar thing, he told me that he found himself in the desert with a flashlight “SOS-ing” the universe one dark night.  Which is exactly how I’m feeling these days and I’m pretty grateful to have met this person, because he put words to feelings I have had for a long, long time.

This month I am filled with gratitude for the job I have, my health and the health of my family, my friends who are cruising with me on this soul-searching journey, and the love I am surrounded with on a daily basis.  I’m still searching for purpose and metaphorically SOS-ing the universe with reckless abandon, and certainly still seeking to understand the events of the past.  I’ll keep dreaming and paying attention to my dreams and in the meantime remember that a big part of life is just enjoying the passage of time (check!).