“…Well, when you’re sitting there
In your silk upholstered chair
Talking to some rich folks that you know
Well I hope you won’t see me
In my ragged company
You know I could never be alone…”
-The Rolling Stones-
When I was 10 years old I ran in the state cross country meet. I had yet to crest 5′ tall (I probably wasn’t even close). I placed 18th. I’ll never forget it. I won an orange ribbon. Ribbon! Even I had the good sense to know that the state should have ponied up for some medals for the top 25. Neither here nor there, although I still have it. My Dad framed it for me. I was so proud. Fast forward one year. It was the Regional meet and I had a bad case of bronchitis. I was febrile and I threw up at school the day before. The decision was made to rest me and run the alternate for Regionals. The team made it to State and it was decided that I would be in the lineup. Wouldn’t you know, my sister Maggie won the race. Amazing. But I, having been sick for much of the season, and particularly ill the week before, finished 25th. I wasn’t thrilled to have done worse than I had the year before, but I was indeed pleased to finish in the top 25– I again had made All State. I would get to stand up on the podium. I knew I had placed 25th because when you cross the finish line someone hands you a popsicle stick with your place written on it. Unbenownst to me, there had been an error. I had actually placed 26th. I missed All State by one place. The following photo was taken immediately after I found out the mistake that had been made:
Take note my awkward body positioning (Front Row, 2nd from Left). I have a smile on my face that, to this day, I make when I’m disappointed. A forced half smile, eyes that give me away. It is the very first time in my life that I can recall being disappointed. This photo makes me cringe. I distinctly remember the way I felt when it was taken. And when I saw this photo, weeks after the meet, the feeling came rushing back. It still does. It is strange to have the very first time you feel an emotion captured on film. That’s what this is. The very first time in my life I felt let down. How strange it would be to have a photo of the first time you fell in love, felt loss or pride.
Today I felt like the person in this photograph. Comme ci, comme ca.